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Pigging out in the Outback

RIDE no :: 152

Sat 10thAug   Abington Pigotts

Hares:: Kinky and Thumper

Mr Bossy offered me a choice - either I could make mad passionate love to him, or I could write the ride report. So here is the ride report . . .

We arrived at the Pig & Abbot in Abington Pigotts at 10:45am to find Thumper, the hare and only 2 other riders. Well now we were 4! No sign of any more until 10:58 when Umplebum arrived with 4 passengers and 5 bikes to double the numbers followed shortly after by all the other latecomers. We didn't actually count but would estimate a total of 20 riders.

We were all madly preparing ourselves and our bikes when a very irritated lady came along and said that we mustn't park on that road today as we would spoil her daughter's wedding video. As there was really nowhere else to park we tried to explain to her that it would spoil our day if we had to move. Eventually she offered a field near the church where the wedding guests were to park, and we reluctantly agreed to move. She wasn't convinced that we would, and Mr Bossy had to 'politely' tell her to go away . . .

So, on with the ride; by this time it was 11:20am. Kinky and Thumper had found some good trails but unfortunately the farmers had been sabotaging them by driving tractors over them while they were wet, and now they are all rock hard and bumpy, causing quite a bit of pain and suffering in the posterior area. The visitors from West London Bike Hash thought that it was a race and were dashing here and there, breaking checks with furious speed. It was impossible to get through to them that the first one to the check should hold it while the others checked. The slower of us were beginning to think that we had 2 separate rides as we came to checks unbroken, or broken and showing the wrong direction!! So the first half of the ride was a furious pace and we arrived at the lunch pub 40 minutes ahead of schedule. We made up for it sitting at lunch for twice as long and drinking twice as much beer. We were all dehydrated due to the high temperature, a perfect Australian summer day in my opinion!

So 'onward ho!' for the second half, with rather too much beer I think. Kinky joined us as Thumper had set this part of the trail. No amount of abuse could slow the front riders down so the furious pace was continued. The trick was to keep an eye on Kinky and not be too led astray. There were less bumpy tracks and more bitumen on the On-In and we were all struggling in the heat for the last 5 miles or so. Even the Londoners were heard to ask 'are we nearly there?' At this stage, Lurcher decided that home in Royston was much closer than the pub and bailed out of the ride. In Pete's opinion we were 5 miles from the pub and 9 miles from Royston, so we're not sure her decision was a good one.

Back at the pub we were on to our second rehydrating pint and Gavin, our serious FrontRiding Bastard turned up very late and last - seems he got lost checking out the final check and did a few extra miles. Justice is a fine thing.

There was very little enthusiasm for the circle. Mrs Bossy was asleep on the bench and Mr Bossy spent half an hour looking for her. Finally he had to draw a chalk circle, due to the fact that no one was willing to form one or even stand up! There were no punctures or stacks, so Mr Bossy was struggling to find charges that were worthy of a beer. The hares were thanked for a great effort and the Australians were charged for wearing his-and-hers outfits. Gavin got one for being an FRB (I think) and V2 from London was charged with having sweaty pants - now we all had sweaty pants but she had a bone coloured pair of shorts over black bike pants and the result was not pretty! Mr Bossy's pièce de résistance was totally spoiled - he was looking around wildly for Lurcher to charge her with being too slow to get to a check to hand out jelly babies - and then he found that she wasn't there.

At this stage it should be mentioned that the road outside the pub was full of cars - including one owned by the stroppy lady with the wedding!

Thanks to Kinky and Thumper for a great ride - we all went off home, tired and exhausted by the hottest day in England's history!



PS: Please feel free to ask Mr Bossy's advice on how much water to put in a vase of artificial flowers.


RIDE no :: 144

Sat 10th May    Royston Station

Hares:: Ladida  &  Lil

Right, as a ride report virgin I'm going to do my best to give an accurate account of the day! No insults included! What can I say? Arrived at Cambridge Station, and it was nice to see Schoolboy'sDream around - who's been hiding for a few months now. We were all surprised to see that Crabbo chose computer shopping over the BASH!! What kind of behaviour is that? We piled on the train, and managed to block up the passage way for the ticket inspector. He couldn't get by, and tickets were brought to him; unfortunately he decided he needed to get through to check an unknown passenger and first class, which I insisted was empty! Once in Royston, we waited for food orders to get organised, and for those late comers trailing in from the local surroundings (Lurcher!). Before we took off, Mr Bossy warned us he would be checking for opened emergency maps at the end of the trail - which he DIDN'T do! And there were several cases of map abuse throughout the trail - Mummy'sBoy - especially since the information was on the tarmac! Is that why you are an SCB? Need I say more?

The morning passed in good form, with some fantastic forest trails, fabulous scenery, and for those lucky and not in a rush to the pub a white heart was spotted with a larger group of deer crossing a field. Allegedly Lina fell into a bush of nettles, a disgrace I would not wish upon anyone, but I laughed heartlessly about it later. At one point once all were gathered together, we spotted John Boy at a distance on a hill, next to a burning fire; when asked if he was 'ON' all we could see from our position was a wave of hands. Many of us thought he was hunting around for a place to do his business and needed some loo roll, especially when he did NOT stop us from starting to climb the opposite hill!!!

Now my memory gets foggy about the order of things. Did we get to the pub for lunch first? Did Rob hurtle down the slide on his bike first? And in what order did the several crashes ocur? Regardless, the food was great, the service was very good, and the beer, well, I have no comments but I'm sure beer is good as long as it's beer and Bashers are drinking it!

Our array of crashes and random falls was impressive. To begin with, StickyFingers had a nice slip of the tyre, her bike went left and her body right! Doesn't make for a good landing, and to make matters worse, I proceeded to brake as hard as I could not to hit her, but alas braked too hard and flew over the handlebars and landed quite nicely on top of StickyFingers and her bike - she walked away with some war wounds. Other falls I didn't witness were Nick's topple on thick loose gravel when in a stopped position, and Joss's fall along a seemingly harmless path. Umplebore later provided some cushioning for my crash - which resulted in a badly bruised leg and a swollen knee!

Next on the excitement list, Rob out performed Bossy on his bicycle antics and cycled down a children's slide. As he climbed, SchoolBoy'sDream shouted he no longer had to prove anything as he went out to Sudan for two years which should be enough for anyone! Regardless he slid successfully.

The ride on the whole was one of the best I've been on (no pun intended!), with an added bonus of Joss's trouser-dropping in the circle and JohnBoy asking some local girls to show us their t**s! He got to view FatGit's pierced one instead! No broken bikes this time, and one flat I think?

Here's to the Hares and to next month's ride - which sadly is my last as we are moving to Canada!



A missive from the BigWheel

RIDE no :: 142

Sat 12th Apr    Stansted Station

Hares:: Lurcher & Doghouse

I arrived at Cambridge on time to be met by Struth looking extremely well considering how long she had been waiting for the sun to shine. Sadly this had not rubbed off on Crabbo in his designer un-ironed strides. The other six waiting for the train to Stansted seemed pleased to see me but this may have had something to do with the fact all Eastern Region trains appeared to be in the siding we wished to use and they were bored. La di Da is suffering from Sars and insists it wasn't Friday night.

Eventually after various phone calls to the pack at my expense they succeed in leaving without us even though the ride was to start at 11.14 not 11.00 and we were on the 11.28. Confused? So was I with no immediate refreshment stop in sight.

Maybe the pack were not interested in their illustrious leader or the sun was too much. The Secret Seven were now left to chase the pack, falling for the obvious incorrectly marked trail out of town. We were close but managed to lose the scent as Mummies Boy was seen coming the other way; it seems he is fatter than me having a fatigued frame to prove it. I wonder if mum does arc welding as well?

Onward we careered but what of Crabbo? Attentively shepherding Struth or his bad leg, and being romantic to boot. Some of us catch the Famous Five in front but what is this? Alistair not doing his own puncture repairs and roping in Umplebore to do something useful? Perhaps he and Checkpoint needed the breather as well having instigated the Great Escape from us earlier. Tongue Job looking on at his offspring and producing thorns of his own from punctures of yesteryear. I also take a rest and realise it is going to be another bad day with no other committee members present to coerce and cajole. Head Girl tells me where to get off when asked to do the ride report, which is why you now have to read all this crap. She does give me a kiss on meeting up though! No one appears to have a hip flask while we wait.

Boy what a bunch of misfits we are. Tom pedals backwards all morning to ensure his pedal comes off, Ron the foreigner thinks he's 'it' blindly hurtling up unusable public footpaths thinking he's useful and falling off when called back. We find we have a Fat Controller in the middle of nowhere when Joss faced with a millennium map 3 miles from the nearest village wants to know where the railway line marked close by in little 't's is. Was he as tired and thirsty as me and in need of a lift to the pub? I became confused by a big R, a new one on me - 'Regroup' not 'Refreshment'. Alex was obviously of the same mind and in true romantic style left her better half Andreas to get lost, even ordering her food and beer before attempting to rescue him; Doghouse politely pointing out he would happily go without his victuals whilst effecting rescue of said beast from Outer Mongolia. I feel the Bash is getting at me. No beer stops until lunch and only a couple of pints allowed before being forced to remount. Perhaps there would be a better route back past Greene Kings best? Thug thoughtfully providing seasonal sustenance in the form of a crème egg to keep me going, wrapper and all. Alas it was not to be, hurtling through Rotten Row and Patient End with out a pub in sight, was this a deliberate ploy of the hares? Yes it was! As the gods connived to ensure no 'ON INN' markings . With great presence of mind I rectified this, close to the station as well allowing an extra swift pint or two.

The circle proved interesting but not round, which idiot asked Struth to become temporary Tandem? Crabbo's foot has now fallen off. La di Da learns 'no talking in the circle'. The twin's gag on coke it could have been worse. A prune juice or two!

Other misdemeanours being covered in depth including Kinky rigging the 'Lerts' voting and the best beer of the day for me after a long hard day in the saddle taken direct from the slop tray!



initiation The BigWheel in characteristic pose.

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